Preparing for a Hard Conversation: 4 Questions To Ask Yourself
How can I make this conversation a little easier and still get my message across? It's one of the most common things I coach clients through. These 4 questions (I won't call them simple!) will make your next hard conversation easier and a lot more generative - for you and for them:
What feelings do I have about this person/situation?
What does 100% responsibility look like for me?
What is my desired outcome? Be specific. Clear is kind.
Am I prepared to listen with the same attentiveness with which I want to be heard?
1. What feelings about this person/situation do I have?
Acknowledging and working through your own stuff enables you to show up to the conversation calm, confident, and responsive instead of reactive. Giving your emotions (energy in motion) some space helps keep them from hijacking you during the conversation. Learn more about the importance of leaders feeling their feelings in this video from The Conscious Leadership Group.
2. What does 100% responsibility look like for me?
Leaders are often tempted to take either more or less than their share of responsibility. Consider this question carefully. Try separating facts from judgments and assumptions. Get objective feedback from a mentor or coach. Taking 100% responsibility keeps you from falling into the trap of blaming, complaining, fixing, or giving up. It also helps you get clear on your desired outcome.
3. What is my desired outcome? Be specific. Clear is kind.
Defining and anchoring in your outcome throughout the conversation will keep you focused and productive, and help stabilize the emotional dynamic. For example,
You’re having this conversation because you need to give feedback that’s not so fun to share, but you’re giving it to them because you’re committed to their success.
You’re having this conversation because something needs to change.
You’re having this conversation because you’re committed to making the relationship better.
Read more about “Clear is kind. Unclear is unkind.” from leadership guru Brené Brown.
Consider the concept of Radical Candor from author Kim Scott.
4. Am I prepared to listen with the same attentiveness with which I want to be heard?
We all want to be met with generous and curious listeners. Your goal is to bring this attitude to the conversation - rather than the common traps of listening to fix, diagnose, defend, calm, debate, or correct. Attentive listening is a fundamental tool for leaders to build trust, to create inclusive and equitable environments, to gain valuable insights and enhance problem-solving.